Posted by: Dr Churchill | June 10, 2013

Washington’s Chinese Fire Wall — NSA Thought Police

After the recent Leader’s Summit between Obama and Mr Xi of China, it appears the American President went and borrowed the Chinese method of monitoring and listening in to the communication of all the citizens of the United States and the World in a pissing contest with the Chinese listeners and sensors and their Supreme Leader to see who can get to the steamiest gossip and the most effective Sexting technique to pick up girls….

Naturally upon the revelation of this communications improvements the Internet erupted in worse than Watergate rhetoric from around the Political spectrum of the USA and all those Congress and Senate Republicans who have to hide their communications with their escorts, hookers, pimps, and assorted lobbyists. From now on they will only communicate by leaving discrete messages TUCKED DEEPLY down the G string of the strippers in the special Washington DC gentleman’s strip clubs they frequent with their TEA PARTY ELDERS AND BORN AGAIN CHRISTIANS OF CAVALRY.  Still this level of secrecy doesn’t seem overblown considering the senators proclivities for pumping the flesh.

The President Obama in turn, has been exposed for shamefully allowing the Bush-era “surveillance state” to extend its tentacles even further and deeper into all of our lives. According to the brave whistleblower, Edward Snowden, the National Security Agency is focussed on getting intelligence wherever it can by any means possible… Increasingly we see that it’s happening domestically. The NSA specifically targets the communications of everyone, it ingests them by default, it collects them in its system and it filters them and it analyses them and it measures them and its stores them for periods of time … While they may be intending to target someone associated with a foreign government or someone they suspect of terrorism, they’re collecting your communications to do so. Any analyst at any time can target anyone

I do not see how Obama can talk his way out of this one. Maybe He can smoke some of that Chronic shit and try… his best.

And I do wonder if a President who’s presided over, and possibly encouraged, Chinese-style surveillance of all the digital and analog telecommunications of the Citizens of “The Land of the Free” honestly expect to serve out his full term?

And if the Free are also Brave enough to challenge this humongous erosion of Liberty and the Constitution then we are on the threshold of Political Armageddon.

Yet we are people living in the flow… and since it’s time that we all recognize that all of our communications are monitored, by NSA and all others who wanna be like NSA — we have to humour ourselves and this little attempt at levity can be a start:

Because am hoping this whole NSA / Prism thing blowout allows the Feds to come clean and create a new official “Department of Data Efficiency” that would be a Public Benefit Position at Ministerial level.

It could be a part of the White House executive desk. Or a cabinet level post and maybe the President’s inner circle office. Or the West Wing at the Executive desk. We’ll let Hollywood do the choice of name and venue but the NSA will be only too happy to comply after this new revelations of their happy Go Lucky listening in to our Sex shop phone calls and .monitoring all the sexting going on out there amongst teenagers and not only.  Maybe they could call it subtly the department of “New Economy and Thought Police”

Today, I propose that this new Thought Police should undertake some really important works for the general benefit of society.  It can be a great Works department like the FDR plan of yore. And I will be the first one to sign up for it. Voluntarily and willingly, provided the new NSA service helps me deal with the deluge of emails and communications from hither and tither..

Some of the things this new consumer friendly and no doubt popular NSA service will have to do include the following: Reading ALL of my emails and removing all the spam and requests from stupid StartUppers who haven’t started anything worthwhile yet. Alo they have to remove all email communications and invitations like things that clutter my Life. Things like the Marriage proposals from the old Soviet Union whores, the live sex ads, the computer speed improvements, the work from home for a Trillion dollars per hour doing Fuck knows what. The Get Rich Quick schemes and especially all of the Ads for Viagra or Viagra for women, and all similar things, all the opinion polls, all requests to play stupid games, all gaming apps, all mobile games and polls and all invites for hare brained schemes from Nigeria and Washington DC. And maybe those from the Bangkok comfort houses that have taken to the cyberpace with the love of the fish for water. I know that this helps the Thai tourism flourish but there are limits to how much crumpet from the Thai underworld one can take… early in the morning inside the Inbox. Especially if your nice and lovely PA sees the very same email Inbox too…

That is the best part of our new “NSA Thought Police” service. They can uses all of their might and muscle to help us deal with the deluge of junk in our email boxes. A deluge of emails that approaches the level of National Insecurity with some people giving up email altogether and embracing the old snail mail alone. Sale of Postage Stamps have been going steadily up now. So this is a National and Homeland security priority to clean our mailboxes as well as polish off the negative emails and replace them all with requests for Love & Light.

We want Love — not the New Age type of Love musing and amusing things mind you — but the real kind of LOVE that the NSA people understand and want to give us. The love they share with us already. How could they not when they see the email exchange we have? They got to love their subjects same like scientists love their hamsters right before they dissect their brains without anesthesia, in order to see if their legs still tick… That is why they read all of our communications after all. Because of immense LOVE.  Luuuuuv.  LUV. And to show more love the NSA, must go through all of my email boxes and delete immediately all the spam and junk and assorted invitations to debauchery. They should do this first and then start by sending the junk back to the sender — replicated by a billion copies, in order to train the spammers, junk sender, and all Nigerians, including women and children — to the benefits of the Law of the Secret, and the Law of Attraction, but above all else they will also teach them; the infallible laws of KARMA.

And the NSA will get some KARMA law rubbed off onto them as well. it can only help… That,will teach them to lay off email permanently and start bugging people the old fashioned way by telephone and like the Latter Day Saint Adventurers, by knocking on the doors on Sunday  mornings dressed in black suits, with a well thumbed Bible and a box of chocolates and lubricated condoms.

Then the NSA will proceed to write an effective and personal flowery response to all those emails that I can’t or don’t want to bother replying to for a very long time. And of course, they should exhibit consumer care, and good service through a follow up with a touchy-feely personal phone call to smooth any hurt feelings. The phone call must be from a compassionate female with a soothing lilting voice and sultry manner. No Siri or other fembots allowed to do this job though… Only live NSA agents dressed like LDS adventuresses.
And then the NSA or the Minister himself has to regulate my email stream to arrive at a drizzle pace during the days the sun isn’t around, and not like the cascading torrent of email deluge that it is now. Effective but simple management of the email stream in a thoughtful and economical manner is what we come to expect from the NSA and they should uphold their own standards…

Then and while we are at the Economy impact thing, the NSA should cross correlate all of my equities, stocks and investments with those of Warren Buffet, the top 100 clients of Goldman Sachs (mainly all of their execs I guess), and of all the Market makers for the top 100 Blue Chip companies, and then send me a daily report of which investments to make that only increase in value.

They should doo this at the speed of THOUGHT though, because I need to take action right when these investors think of doing this and before the pollute the market and create demand by actually taking up the positions. That would give me a good DELTA to cushion my moves and have more money for charitable giving.

Then they should also start monitoring all text messages of my ex wives, girlfriends, women friends, female pals, special interest girls, travel girls, Concubines, escorts, ladies of the day and night, and assorted sexy women — by simply deleting 99% of them. The remaining One percent they should send it to my male children and of course in a fit of generosity and reciprocity, all of my children’s emails texts and telephone calls including Skype and Google hangouts, Google+ and Facebook IM, should go to the various women, their mothers, and beautiful concubines. That should create definite synergies and mutualities that no doubt will result in Almodovar type scenarios that the NSA then can produce as successful movies for the Spanish Cinema Market and Bollywood. from those succesful movies, there will no doubt result enough income to half the National Debt to China. And I will do my part to help the country too. Therefore I will sign off my royalties check to buy shoes for the homeless children of Victoria’s Secret, super models.

Scanning all social network posts of me and my family, applying a “common sense” filter on them, and auto-deleting the offending posts, especially those by myself that are logged in from the Wi-Fi of the lovely bar in Bangkok called “Soy Cowboy” or the “Snazzy Dragon” in Shanghai, and the “Hospital” in London. They should automatically delete all of those emails, posts, updates and “Check Ins” without asking for my input because simply,that’s the right thing to do. And of course they should not be telling me about it – so I don’t waste my time trying to repost, by creating VPN and getting out of their surveillance firewall with Anonymizer tools and the like – thus wasting my rather valuable time. Time that could be used constructively for Society by me engaging these young scantily dressed women in gainful employment… and single handedly reducing the unemployment rates for females [or look alikes] in exotic countries like Bhutan [Happy people], the Philippines [Happy Hookers], old quaint England [Happy Tarts], and the district of Columbia and the Big Apple in the US [Happy Whores otherwise known as Politicians].

Forgot to mention that all my posts from certain countries should immediately get deleted and the record of them purged. That is all my communication attempts from Brazil, Peru, and Columbia should be curtailed — because their women are just too lovely, lively, and lush — just like their jungles of the Amazon rainforest. And the emails and posts of mine from certain time zones should also be deleted preferably unseen by the sensitive female NSA agents, lest they get damaged in the head and other parts of their anatomy depending on what they do with themselves when they read my errant email musings. Like this one….

This activity is also a good PR move by NSA AS THEY WILL BE CONSIDERED Environmentally conscious too… Delete all the emails and all the spam and the Facebook POKES and LIKES and presto the servers of all major communication and Internet companies will go silent. the Server farms will stop humming and many coal fired electricity generation plants will shut down. All Good. But while erasing and reshuffling my emails, to all around me, the missives of these women from the lustful lands should never be shared with my children. That is the emails from those three countries of Latin America mentioned above. Simply because I don’t want them mixing it up with the jungle just yet… There are snake and monkeys in them jungles.

And as jungles are generally unreliable in their Wi-Fi and other mobile communications, that shouldn’t be a big problem. All the posts and updates from whenever there is a Happy Hour with dancing girls in whatever corner of the world I happen to be at the moment — should be automatically deleted…

The NSA should be able to easily do this with all the Citizens and foreigners alike, because the NSA should allow to self tune this filter with selections of people to opt out of all Zynga games, all of Facebook, all the LIKE, and POKES, and the like minded games, all alcohol, cigarettes, banned substances, nudity, and stupid smiley faces. Ahhh and all the Angry Birds should go the same way. Back to Sender.

And finally start solving my Social and Familial issues as well. Start by monitoring the geo location of my WAGs and whenever they approach cash registers of designer boutiques, their credit cards should become automatically wooden. Incapacitated. Frozen. Just plastic… And should remain that way for two hours at least until they leave the High Street Shopping in order to go for the liquid lunch. And there at lunch, three Martinis two Cosmos and three Tequila shots, should be the minimum they can plant on the credit cards. A complete lush lunch is the objective here, and then their drunk dialing and drunk sexting communication copies should be relayed to me promptly for my nightime amusement reading. You see I don’t have TV and this could be my only social viewing entertainment…. And even their debit and Cash cards should all be deactivated for the same time period in the vicinity of High Street boutiques — until they reconsider this Dior or Channel slinky dress impulse  purchase or the tenth pair of shoes and matching handbag this month. Of course the credit cards should be reactivated if they are at the neighbourhood grocery store counter or at a Charity site n the web, and at the gas station or at the children’s store – thus not only confusing the hell out of them, but also steering them to the right choices and entering them in the way of goodness.

Also your NSA courteous staff can be monitoring all assorted WAGs when they are talking on their cell phone while driving in their car, and applying lipstick and eye shade and adjusting their french stockings all at the same time, driving about double the speed limit, while gossiping on the phone, without the benefit of the hands free option… Right then, the NSA should be dispatching a police cruiser with a stern disciplinarian driver to pull them over and give the woman a stern “Warning. Every ten of those “Warnings” a WAG receives, the NSA will ask me to authorize a night in jail for the offending female. I would then look at the calendar and choose the best day or night for their well earned incarceration at a medium security facility. Truly some of them need the Maximum security, but there you have it. Such a nice guy I am with the cooperation of the NSA.

And lastly, for those of us that voluntarily comply, with giving up all of our communications to the Feds and the new NSA Thought Police — they will have to send us in fair exchange a FREE TSA smart phone app that allows us to show a smiley face to the TSA Agents at the airport, who will then let us proceed unimpeded to our gate in order to board our plane — without any form of hassle, undressing, free massage, or full body cavity search with or without rubber gloves. Of course they should also ask us gentlemen — if we require a full body cavity of any females we might be accompanying on our journey… This will help because often when heading out to these mini breaks, and we had a change of heart about this mini break we thought was such a good idea last time we were in bed together. The body massage will be long and enjoyable and the full body cavity search likewise, so they will be sure to miss the plane while am safely ensconced in my seat reading and listening to my favourite music on the way to Havana… Or on the way to some other Caribbean beachbums’ heaven on earth full of coconuts, boobs, bums, spicy rum, and cigars, hideaway  — let’s say…

Or to even more exotic tropical paradises the NSA or the US government might have a Travel Ban against or a tourism embargo, like Syria, and the land of milk & honey, North Korea where the sexiest man alive Kim Junk Ill, the third, lords it over a lot of dissatisfied and angry birds loving females — So I hear from my friends in the above mentioned intelligence community.

And doing this whole effort as am Government funded Start Up with a little venture funding from professional Venture firms, like we did with Facebook, should be a great success thus single handedly diminishing unemployment in America completely. In no time we’ll get to full employment by having all citizens frisking each other and searching their body cavities at those cavernous places we formerly called airports. Of course they will all be suitably renamed. Fit for purpose: “Flying Massage Parlour”  of DC. Or the old Ronald Reagan Airport will be renamed Alzheimer’s Inn” because nobody will remember why they came here in the first place anymore and the President seemed to endorse this disease to avoid persecution — something that the current President might want to emulate seeing as these things are getting out of control. And how about the “Kinky Palace” or “The Temple of Doom & the Body  of Cavities” or even more extreme names like the “Hangar full of searching” and “Chucky Cheese & Chong” ? A nifty name or so my mates think. There will be a direct spike in employment applications that will see many banker wankers reschedule their priorities and rushing to join the TSA.  And good name for LAX is “LAXATIVE Airport International” where people travel on their own gases. because nobody will be going anywhere from there anymore and this will also help us sort thee atmospheric mess too by reducing airborne soot and CO2 emissions at high altitude that are so much more damaging than their terrestrial counterpart emissions….

All that and we’ll be able to put women in orbit all the time without benefit of my Friend Richard Branson spaceships of Virgins, Nuns, and otherwise fallen women. Now that’s Innovation.

When the government institutes this program — I of course will want to receive my 9% of their equity. This is based on Venture Capital principles and the Law of Attraction….

YOURS,

Pano

PS:

And if the President cares Fuck All about the Constitutional Protections, then am wondering if the NRA isn’t a better partner than NSA for Freedom and Patriotic defence of the Republic.

 


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